I want a hug. A massive bear hug that lasts longer than a normal hug and someone (preferably the ‘hugger” – it would be weird if there was another person there) to tell me I’m not alone and that it is going to be OK (and perhaps make me a cup of tea?). Except that I am and it won’t be. I haven’t had a hug in years. I can’t remember the last time. I used to love a good hug, not a romantic one, that’s not remotely possible at the moment.

I am alone and crushingly lonely. Yes, I live with my grandmother but I am alone in the responsibility of her care and in the constant fight to get any sort of help. A heavy weight to carry when you’re dealing with a very elderly person with heart failure. It is a hard and constant slog, with no break.

They say sharing is caring, I think ‘they’ have a point in this context. There is no sharing this burden (strong word, but true for me). This is where loneliness comes in. I can talk to friends and blog readers about it and I’m grateful I’m able to do that, but most friends can’t begin to understand what it is like. I don’t have anyone with me, physically, to share and help. There is no-one to bond with, in person, over the same experience.

I realised this week that the longest conversations I have are about work – about a strategy, a press release, or trying to decipher the latest corporate acronym. Those conversations happen via my laptop and stop when I finally close it at the end of my too-long day. I’m then greeted with silence, there is nobody to download my day to, nobody in my corner, nobody to share a joke with or explain the plot of a detective TV show grandma likes to watch. It is just me. All the time. I do everything alone.

Loneliness is an odd thing to describe, it is like a constant blunt longing for human connection. It feels like an emptiness in the pit of my stomach or like I’ve forgotten something important – a constant impression that something is missing.

Katy Styles (founder of the We Care Campaign) and I recently interviewed Mary-Ann Ochota on our podcast, she is an anthropologist, broadcaster, and former carer. She said that humans are deeply social creatures which didn’t come as a surprise but it struck me how little socialisation I get; and I much I suffer for it. I’m sure most carers struggle with loneliness and isolation too.

This is all rather miserable isn’t it? Perhaps it is because we’re currently in the depths of winter and it is freezing outside. Come to think of it, that can’t be it. I’m lonely all year round, and summer is the worst time to feel it. I can’t get anyone to go on a trip with me for love nor money (it would take planning but not impossible) so I scroll through everyone’s holiday breaks on social media. This makes me sound desperate doesn’t it? Embarrassingly, I am. Anyone would be after five years of isolation.

To the next friend I see in person – you’re getting a massive hug, whether you like it or not!