‘You won’t forget the paper, will you?’ Asked my grandma anxiously as I put on my shoes.

‘I woooooon’t.’ I answered, opening the front door.

She asks me this in the same way, at the same time, every Saturday morning. One of my most important weekend jobs, in her eyes, is going to the supermarket and getting a well known tabloid newspaper. She doesn’t read said newspaper, she can’t see well enough to read anymore, she only wants it for the TV guide. I am more preoccupied with the weekly shop and making sure I get everything I need to cook that week’s meals but, when I come back, she rustles through the bags to fish out the newspaper, takes out the TV guide, and goes and puts it in its rightful place on the living room table. I never realised what a big deal it is to her until I couldn’t get the paper one day because of a delivery mistake at the supermarket.

‘What do you mean?’ She asked fearfully as if I’d just announced we’d run out of wine.

‘They didn’t have any, their delivery hadn’t arrived yet. Don’t worry, I’ll get one on the way back from my hike.’

I came back from my walk with a different newspaper who had a TV guide and put it on the living room table.

‘Oh no! That’s the wrong one!’

‘I know, they only had that one. It is still the same information. It’s fine.’

‘It’s not the same…’ She mumbled.

‘I don’t know why you even need it, I can tell you what’s on from my phone.’

‘Oh no! No need for that!’ Looking at my pocket with fear. She is afraid of most technology, but that’s for another blog.

I don’t understand the importance of getting the right kind of TV guide but she keeps insisting it is ‘the best one’. I have learnt to take the path of least resistance for all these set-in-stone old lady habits and always endeavour to get the things she wants. I guess it brings her comfort to have things ‘just so’, and the precious guide is a reference for me to read out the TV show options she likes, mainly whodunit murder mysteries and quiz shows.

Whodunit mysteries

And now with some language, and bloody images of death, here is Vera… said the TV announcer.

‘Oh good!’ Said grandma, clasping her hands together in delight. ‘Come on, let’s have a body!’

‘Give them a chance, it has only just started.’ I answered, sipping my tea.

Grandma, like most of the UK’s population of a certain age if the success of Richard Osman’s Thursday Murder Club books are anything to go by, loves a TV detective show and a ‘good’ murder mystery.

She has a few requirements for these shows, namely:

–        There must be a body discovered before the first ad break.

–        A body count of 3 or 4 is a good number per episode.

–        Not too many scenes in the dark as she can’t see what is happening.

–        Not too much swearing, although some is acceptable in particularly gruesome scenes.

–        The plot can’t be too complicated, and must not involve too many people or too much technology.

–        The detectives’ storylines must not be too prominent in the overall show because ‘we don’t care about that rubbish’.

– The show format mustn’t be too ‘edgy’ or deviate drastically from the traditional TV drama format.

She watches her favourite shows, over and over again, never seeming to remember the plot or who the killer is, and makes the same comments every single time:

• ‘Midsomer murders’- ‘It is a wonder there is anyone left in that place!’

• ‘Miss Marple’ but only with the actress Joan Hickson playing the title role – ‘I love her voice, I could listen to her all day!’

• ‘Poirot’ – ‘Look at his moustache!’

• ‘Vera’ – ‘They mustn’t spend much on the costumes, she is always wearing the same coat!’/ ‘Can you believe the actress is in her 70s!’
•  ‘Daliegh and Pascoe’ – ‘He always looks so scruffy!’

QUIZZES

‘Come on you silly bugger!’
‘Grandma! Language!’ I said, amused, as I put a glass of water down next to her one afternoon.
‘Well , if I know the answer, he should!’

Apart from TV detective shows, grandma likes to watch quizzes on TV in the afternoon after her lunch and wine nap. Her favourite shows include:

• Countdown: ‘I can’t see, but I can hear the letters and numbers.’
• The Chase: ‘Their questions are easy.’
• Only Connect: which she watches in silence completely baffled by the clever contestants’ answers. Grandma only watches that programme because her son, my father, told her he’d watched it once.

Last but not least, she enjoys the juggernaut of British TV quiz shows – University Challenge. I like that show too and am very happy with myself when I occasionally get a few answers right.

Grandma, despite her harsh criticism of the contestants, doesn’t try to answer the questions but enjoys voicing her opinions nonetheless. Very occasionally, especially on University Challenge, she’ll shout out a stupendously good answer and punches the air in delight when it is correct. It is either a complete guess on her part or some knowledge she’s dragged up from her memory – she can never say how she knows the answer. 

I make the effort to participate in the quiz shows she watches in the evenings, and try not to do work emails as I am aware they provide some rare entertainment and something we can discuss together. Plus, I now know where my love of quizzes comes from.

Life lesson: watch what you like, how many times you like – and keep guessing even if you don’t know the answer. There is a metaphor in there somewhere.