Is it me or is everything a bit gloomy at the moment? It feels like there is more bad news everyday, the weather has been broadly dreadful across the UK, and up North, we haven’t seen the sun for a few weeks. Luckily, I live with and care for an unintentionally comedic centenarian and collect her (publishable) funny moments to share in these moments. I hope some of these make you smile.

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‘ So who will it be between Louise and Abbey, grandma?‘ I asked, during a quiz show final.

‘CHRISTINE!’ She shouted with her fist in the air.

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‘I’ll Google if I can make the pastry the day before.’ I said, looking down at my phone.

‘Who will you ring? Who is Google?’ Grandma quickly answered, sounding anxious at the mention of technology.

‘No… never mind…’ I said, not wanting to have to re-explain the concepts of the internet, search engines, and smart phones.

–

‘People don’t have wrinkles like they used to anymore.’ Grandma said pensively, as I was in the middle of her daily moisturising routine.

‘It’s called Botox grandma.‘

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‘Why are you changing to go to Rochdale?‘ Said grandma, puzzled.

‘I don’t want to look too much like a tramp.’

‘Well, most of the folk down there will, you’ll fit right in!’

Funny and true.

–

‘Right- Christmas cards- who do we start with?’ Internally arming myself with patience at this yearly tedious process.

‘Freda.’ Said grandma, with her head resting on the back of her chair, concentrating.

‘Who is Freda?’ I asked, ready to flick through the address book.

‘I used to work with her years ago. She died recently.’

‘So why the hell are we sending her a card?!’ I said, instantly losing the patience I had just summoned.

–

‘Do you want some more wine grandma?’ I said, as I was preparing lunch on a Saturday.

‘Silly question, what would you say if I said no?’

‘I’d call an ambulance!’ I answered, as I poured her a second glass.

–

‘Maureen at lunch club today wasn’t feeling well. She’s just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. I told her you make me take a spoonful of honey and two dates every morning, and she should try that.’ Said grandma as I was taking her coat off.

‘Not sure it will cure her Parkinson’s but well done on spreading the word.’ I giggled.

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