‘And do I wash these strawberries?’

‘No. If you could roll them around in the dirt, that would be great. Yes, wash them please.‘ I said, rolling my eyes, as I rushed back upstairs to my overflowing inbox.

I admit, the snark was unnecessary but my dad has the knack for exasperating me to no end. To be fair to him, he was experiencing quite a shock to the system. He was going to be his mother’s full time carer for a week. A work trip had fallen through so I had planned an escape instead – I refuse to let a rare care cover plan go to waste.

This meant that my father was getting a crash course in caring for a blind 100-year-old in heart failure. He has the memory of a forgetful goldfish so I was constantly making lists for him, showing him what he had to do or reminding him of what he hadn’t done. Add to that the complication of grandma testing the waters for any weakness she could leverage (mainly to get more wine or skipping her much-hated but necessary skin care routine) and I was quite stressed.

As the week before my escape progressed, I realised that what has become normal and second nature to me is completely alien to not-yet-carers. Here are some examples:

• In general, your needs are secondary. You can’t eat, sleep, shower, or go to the loo when you want to (yes, really). That’s a really tough lesson to learn when you’re used to your routine and doing what you like.
• Speaking of sleep – you will not get enough and there are no lie ins or naps possible.
• Leaving the house is a rarity, and a challenge. If you’re not there, who will look after grandma? Every outing has to be timed and on a schedule. That was a struggle for dad, he couldn’t understand that he couldn’t just go for a walk when he wanted or had to factor in check ins when he was gardening.
• You’re in charge of their entertainment. He was quite good at that – doing crosswords or reading the news etc. He did have to get used to narrating every TV show as grandma is as stubborn as she is blind and refuses to enable the audio description. He also struggled with not being able to watch what he wanted.
• Caring is physical. Heavy lifting is needed – literally. Saying ‘Come on, mum. Get up!‘ Isn’t going to work. You need to lift, guide, and generally be their arms and legs.
• You can’t forget anything. Caring requires you to be impeccably organised, every single time. Any missed step of the routine can have dire consequences. That was his major struggle – no matter the instructions I left – he always forgot to do something important.
• Multitasking is a must. The ability to do multiple things at once quickly and well is an essential skill. To be fair, it took me a while to hone my ruthless carer efficiency.
• Use your gut. Carers develop a sixth sense when it comes to the person we’re looking after’s wellbeing. When you’ve done it long enough, you can just tell that something is wrong, even when you’re met with strong denials. During his ‘training week’, dad was very surprised that I’d ‘predicted’ some mishaps or ailments before grandma capitulated and admitted whatever it was she was hiding.

Dad and grandma both survived the week. Grandma had acquired pressure sores (which she lied about, obvs) and a black eye which they both swear appeared out of nowhere. No need for a magical carer sixth sense to know they’re both lying on that one!