21st Nov. 2024

Dear blog diary, I don’t know where to start. When you’re a carer, you either live the same day on repeat or have to deal with some sort of emergency. I have been in a state of emergency for over a month now. Today was the most intense day, grandma couldn’t breathe again so I begged for a home visit from the doctor. When he finally arrived at around 1pm, he said she was in heart failure and had to be hospitalised. He called an ambulance while I rushed around to get things ready.

We waited a full four hours for the ambulance. It was awful to listen to grandma fight for every breath, deal with work, and try not to panic. The ambulance finally came, and as we set off, my phone rang. It was the doctor, I answered quickly, pleasantly surprised that he was checking in on a patient at the end of his day.

‘Hello?’

‘Hi Laura, it is the doctor. Have you seen my pen? I think I left it at your house when I was writing the letter for you to give to the hospital.’

‘Erm… I’m just in the ambulance now. I’ll see if I can find it later.’ I heard myself say.

‘Great, bye!’

I hung up, baffled and considered holding his pen hostage to make him do another home visit next time we needed one. He didn’t even bother to ask how grandma was. We got to the hospital and waited another three hours for an urgent admission, the place was empty apart from nurses casually walking past, giving us no attention. I finally snapped and went up to a doctor to speed things up. Grandma got admitted a little while later and I got her settled in bed before I had to leave. It was about 10 or 11 pm by that point and visiting hours were over. I got home, had a cry in the shower and tried to sleep. I was woken up at 1am by the landline ringing, I jumped out of bed to answer it. It was a doctor:

‘Hi, is that Alice?’

‘No, Alice is the patient. This is Laura, her granddaughter/carer.’ Off to a great start…

‘Right, well just to let you know that due to her age, if her heart stops we won’t jump on her chest.’

‘… is she that bad? How is she?’

‘She is OK, she has gone for some scans. Alright? Bye.’

What the hell was the point of that call?! And why aren’t they calling my mobile, I must’ve given it to four different people who all entered it into grandma’s record… clearly not. Was mum’s birthday today – thank God I remembered to text her.

22nd Nov. 2024

Went to see grandma after work – I have the best boss. My team is rallying round and helping me with my never-ending tasks. I’m grateful for that. Grandma is hooked up to an IV but in good spirits. I took her to the loo, made sure she was fed, brought her some snacks and hunted down a nurse for information. I got vague notes and gave her my phone number again to make sure they called the correct number.

23rd/ 24th Nov. 2024

Blurry weekend of hospital visits and catching up on work. Everyone is coughing in the hospital, even the medical staff. Nobody is wearing masks. I was told she might be discharged on Monday. I don’t think that will happen. They’re so disorganised, they couldn’t keep to a schedule if they wanted to. Still haven’t seen or spoken to a doctor. Grandma is now coughing too.

25th Nov. 2024

I called the hospital several times to find out if grandma was coming home today. Couldn’t get a straight answer until 3pm when they said no but that it would probably be tomorrow. I asked why but they didn’t know so I went over after work to visit and find out why. Turns out they couldn’t get anyone to read grandma’s latest ECG in time for the discharge team to do their job. So they wasted a bed by keeping her in another night when there was no need.

26th Nov. 2024

Today was discharge day. For some unfathomable reason, they called grandma’s old mobile phone which was buried in her handbag. Why would you call the patient’s phone to tell them they’re coming home… so far so NHS. I told the lady at the other end of the phone to PLEASE call my mobile number with any updates (for the eighth time, I’ve been keeping count). She allegedly noted it down. I didn’t believe they would get it right so I kept grandma’s old phone charged and next to me. It rang later that afternoon to inform me she’d be coming home. The ambulance arrived with grandma and her new medication with no instructions on how to take them or what she’d already had that day. Typical.

27th Nov to 1st Dec 2024

I’m sure I could qualify as an intensive care nurse. Grandma can’t do anything by herself so juggling work is extremely stressful. I completely understand why 600 unpaid carers a day quit their jobs. She’s responding to the medication but she still has this awful cough, I’m sure it will re-infect her chest and she’ll need the antibiotics I suggested when this all started but was ignored. How very NHS to send patients out sicker than when they went in.

2nd Dec 2024

Bingo. Grandma’s chest infection is back so I was back down at the GPs to beg for a home visit. A doctor I’d never spoken to before called later that morning, refused to come visit and prescribed the antibiotics I suggested because ‘let’s go with your plan’. ‘But I work in communications, I’m not a doctor – I’m just going from what worked last time…’ I stammered into the phone, trying not to let my rage show.

I’m pretty sure it is malpractice to prescribe antibiotics to a patient you’ve not seen or ever even examined before. I should have got his name and reported him.

5th – 9th Dec 2024

The only thing worse than caring for a very fragile person on your own is doing it when you’re sick. I’ve come down with some sort of flu and have a high temperature. It had to happen. I haven’t eaten or slept properly since grandma first got sick in October. I mask up and keep going but I took two sick days off work – a rarity for me. Won’t try to see a doctor, no point.

9th – 17th Dec 2024

Back to groundhog day, just a lot more intense. Grandma is the worst patient too which makes it harder. I’ve realised it is nearly Christmas, I used to love this time of year but I don’t have the energy to muster any festive spirit at the moment. I’m beaten down by the lack of medical care and competence, no help, and carrying the entire weight of grandma’s care on my shoulders. I feel like I’m constantly holding my breath. I’m due a Christmas miracle…maybe even just to find the doctor’s missing pen.