You don’t have to read this blog. I’m just writing down what I can’t express to get this feeling out of my body. I’m not sure it will work, can you get loneliness off your chest?

I’m always alone, I’m an introvert and have always been relatively solitary. Never the life of the party, even within my party of one, but I’m used to being alone and never crave to be in a crowd of people. I enjoy being in a smaller group of people but feel lost and awkward at a party – typical introvert stuff.

As a wise friend said recently ‘being alone is OK, being lonely is not’. That statement hit me quite hard as I am both alone and lonely. Loneliness crept up on me as a carer, it slowly made its presence known in subtle ways that betray the strength of the feeling. For me, loneliness feels like a constant nagging pressure in my chest – like a dull emptiness that I can feel. I feel disconnected from everyone, like there is a glass partition between me and the rest of the world, I can see and hear them but I can’t touch or connect with them.

Being a carer is such an isolating experience, few people talk about it and every situation is unique so while I can relate to the fundamentals of other carers’ lives, I can never understand exactly what they’re going through which exacerbates the feeling of disconnection. I relate to my friends’ lives less and less which necessarily lessens our bonds and we mainly communicate over text so there is none of the face-to-face connection that I crave. I want to see people, chat, giggle, and gossip (although I have none to share – I don’t see enough people for that). I want hugs and to be able to download my day to someone, talk about what’s happening in the world, or even sit in silence.

For me, loneliness looks like checking my phone way too often to see if anyone has been in touch or talking a little longer than necessary on work calls because that’s the only conversation I’ll have that day. Loneliness is listening to podcasts so you feel part of a group, or just to have a (false) sense of company. I am also resolutely productive in my loneliness; doing things is a welcome distraction. I say yes to work that I don’t have time to do and start side projects so my mind is occupied when I’m not working.

The latest project I have started, a podcast called Care fully considered, is perfect for me. It is a lot of work and I get to meet interesting people and have conversations with them. Not a cure for my constant isolation but the best I can do at the moment.

And yes, I did sneak in a podcast plug – I’m lonely but still a comms person!