Tea or coffee? Cats or dogs? Seaside or mountain? Early mornings or late nights? Comedy or drama?

Life is full of choices, or preferences as referenced above. It is for most people anyway. For carers, the reality is very different. We haven’t chosen to be in the situation we’re in and have little control over our lives, as they become an add-on to the person we’re caring for.

62% of carers say they have no choice but to care according to recent research- which sound obvious but it is an important point to make. The current government narrative is that we volunteer our time to care for our loved ones. This is not true. We are not volunteers, we are hostages of a failing system. We don’t want to give up our lives to care, we have no choice. As every French foreign language teacher says several times a day: ‘repeat after me’: CARERS HAVE NO CHOICE. Go on, say it out loud: CARERS HAVE NO CHOICE.

Let’s look at the cost of having no choice according to the latest Carers Week report:

• Mental health: 63% of current and former unpaid carers saying that
  caring had a negative impact on their mental health. I’m willing to bet that percentage is much higher. Caring is brutal and, personally, the isolation and loneliness I feel is the worst part. I’m a high functioning anxious and depressive mess, well… I was until about 2 weeks ago. I haven’t been functioning so well of late which means daily bouts of sobbing, uncontrollable anxiety, no appetite, and the exhausting work of hiding it in front of grandma and my work colleagues. Can I take time off, or have a break ‘to focus on myself’? No. Because I don’t have a choice.
• Physical health: 53% of carers said that caring had a negative impact on
  their physical health. I’m sure the real figure is 100% but the remaining 47% haven’t been able to see a doctor. I fall in that category. I have lots of muscle pain around my shoulders specifically, it is probably stress. I can’t see or speak to a doctor about it so I just struggle through it and Google stretches that don’t work. I don’t have time to look after myself and the constant battle for any medical attention equates to no choice but to carry on caring.
• Job and ability to work: 48% of carers said caring negatively affected their ability to work. For me this is slightly different, caring affects my employability and my career. The fact that I have to work remotely will mean a much harder job search when that time comes. Is it fair? No. Do I have a choice? No.
• Finances and savings: 47% of carers said that caring negatively impacted their finances. As the help provided by the social care and health services is inadequate and insufficient at best, most carers will have to pay for their loved ones to get the care they need. It gets expensive quickly. Can unpaid carers supplement their income to survive? Yes and no, if they claim the Carers Allowance, they can’t earn more than £151 per week or they will have to pay back their whole benefit payment. They really have no choice in the matter, as the Department for Work and Pensions will threaten them and take them to court if they have exceeded the limit by just £1.
• Relationships: 37% of carers said caring had negatively impacted their relationships. That is certainly the case for me. When the need for care arises in families, it will show you who your relatives really are. I suggest you believe them the first time and don’t bother to try to get anything from them. I unfortunately discovered that my father is pathologically selfish and is willing to wash his hands completely of his mother’s care. He’s absolutely fine with his daughter crumbling physically and mentally so his golfing schedule remains uninterrupted. Caring has cost me a dad and many friends. I can’t really blame my former friends, I can never see them and I’m always miserable. On a positive note, caring will also reveal who your real friends are and that it is, in fact, a choice to stay in touch or not.

It may sound extreme to not-yet-carer ears but most carers can’t decide when they have a shower, go to the loo or eat. We have very little control over our lives and that means our own dreams and aspirations have to die so our loved ones can live. That is the true cost of having no choice but to care.

P.S: Tea/ Dogs/ Mountains/Early mornings/ Neither – Documentaries.