Dear everyone in the UK,

I hope you’re doing well.

There is a lovely song by Corinne Bailey Rae entitled ‘Till it happens to you’. Have you heard of it? I recommend it, her voice is crystal clear and it’s about love – like most songs I suppose. I have not heard much from her for a while, I wonder what happened to her… Anyway, I digress.

Why am I telling you this? I want to draw your attention to some of her lyrics. She sings: ‘Nobody wants to face the truth, but you won’t believe what love can do. ‘Til it happens to you.’ Powerful stuff, the same holds true if you change just one word: ‘ Nobody wants to face the truth, but you won’t believe what caring can do. ‘Til it happens to you.’ Not as catchy, I grant you, but still very true.

This is what I wanted to write to you about, caring and unpaid carers; that is to say anyone who cares, unpaid, for a friend or family member who for various reasons cannot cope without their support. I fall into that category of people. I’m Laura, 36, PR professional, and an unpaid carer for my 99-year-old grandmother. This happened completely by accident.

You might have heard about carers vaguely if you read the news on the overpayment scandal or Sir Ed Davey’s recent video about caring for his son. You may have (rightly, in my opinion) thought that the Department for Work and Pensions was cruel and incompetent or that it was refreshing to see a politician finally being human. But I dare say you didn’t think about it too much, I’m sure you’re busy and have our own issues to worry about. Besides, caring happens to other people. Not you, you’ll be fine. This is where the first part of Corinne’s lyrics comes into play: ‘Nobody wants to face the truth‘. I hate to break it to you all, but it is very likely that you will become an unpaid carer for a loved one or require the care. Or both. Everyday,12,000 people become unpaid carers in the UK and 600 people have to give up their jobs to care for someone close to them. Unless you’re a superhuman who never gets sick or old, everyone in the UK falls into this category. Even you.

Now let’s tackle: ‘but you won’t believe what caring can do‘. Caring for someone can be all-consuming. That is the experience of most carers. It will take away your job, your friends, most of your family, decimate your finances, and reduce your life to a mere existence. I’m sorry to be so blunt about it but I want you to be prepared. Before you ask, no, there is no help. You know how difficult it is to see a doctor? Imagine that but 100 times harder. To potentially qualify for help from the social care services or the NHS, you will need to be assessed by your local council – the average waiting time for that is around 50 days, and can be up to 5 months in some parts of the UK. And the assistance you may get will likely be inadequate and inconsistent at best. You probably will have to use your own money to pay for private carers to help, if you can. There is an estimated shortage of 165,000 paid carers in the UK. You will end up having to provide care yourself and start your spiral into becoming a fully fledged exhausted and traumatised unpaid carer.

It is Carer’s Week this week ( or ’til it happens to you week?’ God, that’s terrible- picking titles is not my forte). Get curious and have a look through some carer stories, visit the Carers UK website or the We Care Campaign to see what our lives are really like and how you can help.

Also, if I may, please don’t call us heroes (we’re not), volunteers (we’re hostages) or selfless (we have no choice). I know these are all well-meaning descriptors but they are harmful as they put us on a pedestal and therefore remove us from the possibility we may be just like you. We are not a special kind of person, we are just a more exhausted and burnt out version of you. We don’t want to have to sacrifice our lives to care, I wouldn’t sacrificing four years of my relatively young life (and counting) if my 99-year-old grandmother had access to adequate care. Think about it, would you want your children to sacrifice their lives, careers, and relationships to look after you? I don’t think so, you would want to be well looked after with some help from your family but not feel like a burden.

I understand it is very uncomfortable to think about. I get it. Nobody wants to think about what they will do when their parents get old, or if their partner or child becomes ill. But Corinne is right, don’t wait ’til it happens to you. Think about it now, while you still can. While you have money to save, plans to make, and a general election to vote in. I’m not telling you who to vote for, that’s none of my business, I’m suggesting you add ‘fixing social care’ to your voting considerations list. Your future self will thank you.

With this open letter, I want to shock you into action. I implore you, you are already a carer. You just don’t know it yet.

Thanks for reading,
Laura