There is a lot going on, isn’t there?! I’ve not had time to do anything other than the essentials – I’ve been working and caring. That’s it. Nothing else. I’ve been really tired, overloaded, generally very low, and struggling to engage with what has been happening in the news. That feeling is unusual for me as it is my job to know what is going on and I like to be informed. A lot has also been going on in the world of unpaid carer news but I haven’t had the emotional bandwidth to read about the latest in the carer overpayment scandal. I have also been neglecting this blog, not having the time or energy to write.

Usually, I’m a do-er and love a deadline. I say ‘yes’ to most extra work (be it for my job or in my caring capacity) as it is a welcome distraction to the stress, and tedium of my day-to-day existence. It also keeps my brain engaged and focused on something more productive than self-pity. I’ve not been able to do that these last few days so I’ve had to use an essential skill the majority of carers develop – ruthless prioritisation and self-preservation.

I’m good at prioritisation but the self-preservation bit is very hard for me. Had my self-preservation instinct been stronger, I might never have become an unpaid carer in the first place. To clarify, I’m not talking about booking a spa day because I’m feeling run down – I mean carers having to shut down or stop any non-essential activities for a period of time until they feel they can surface again. For me, non-essential activities include: texting people back, paying attention to the outside world, doing Pilates, looking at social media, emailing non-colleagues back, watching TV or listening to podcasts, writing this blog, going outside etc. basically anything that is not work or caring for grandma related.

This intentional shrinking of my already-small world is not pleasant as I feel guilt intermingled with my constant sense of being overwhelmed so I try to keep my carer conservation time to a minimum. My week or so of forced shutdown ended recently when I finally found time to wash my hair. It had the effect of kickstarting a need to get back outside and moving again with my usual 20 minute post-work Pilates workout. I have been reincorporating my other non-essential activities and feel like I can cope with looking at the news again and dealing with my other projects. I try to pace myself, slowly adding more activities to my already-full days and getting the gratification of feeling productive and involved again.

Carer conservation is hard but essential for someone like me, and it looks like I have plenty of things to catch up on!