A favourite colleague said something unbelievably stupid to me last week. She called me to discuss a story angle and, as we always have a little chat, she asked me what weekend plans I had. As a carer, I never usually have any except more caring so I always avoid answering it, but last weekend, I had organised a birthday lunch for grandma at a local restaurant. Happy I actually had a real answer for once, I answered the question. Her response was something along the lines of: ‘grandmothers are great but you should find yourself a man‘.

I was stunned into silence and the following thoughts ran through my head:

• WTF?!
• Have I accidentally conferenced in my mother?
• How is this any of her business?
• Is she working for mother?
• WTF?!
• She wouldn’t have said that to a man.
• So much for women supporting women.
• Isn’t she divorced?
• God! Everyone thinks I’m a loser.

I quickly recovered and professionally ended the call giving her more work to do than strictly necessary because I might be a loser but I’m technically her boss. I had 10 minutes before my next call so I went downstairs to check on grandma and overthink about how much of a loser I am while making a cup of tea.

Yes, I know it was a stupid thing to say and yes, I also know she means well and was just clumsy in her wording. She’s right that I am as single as it is possible to be. I don’t need reminding. I went on a date with every dickhead in London before I became a carer, and have currently retired from the dickhead dating scene because I have enough to worry about without wondering why some guy I don’t know hasn’t texted me back and how he will react when he finds out I don’t drink. Incidentally, dear reader, do let me know in the comments if you want a date story or two, I have stories for DAYS. All bad and mostly funny.

This incident got me thinking that ignorance really is bliss, this colleague knows my situation but clearly has no idea of what it actually involves and how much your life is whittled down to a mere existence. She clearly thinks I have a choice in my situation and have the freedom to ‘go find a man’. My colleague, like most of the soon-to-be-carer population, thinks being an unpaid carer is like having children. Your life gets a bit more stressful and you have less free time but overall, it is manageable. They could not be more wrong… they will find out in due course how wrong they are, of course, and they should pay more attention to what being a parent carer is like for example.

I wish those people felt gratitude, they should feel grateful that they can’t even imagine what being an unpaid carer is like. They should enjoy it while it lasts. The one thing they should not do, is judge or offer ‘advice’. It is unhelpful, insulting and usually makes an already depressed carer feel worse. I was probably one of those people before I became a carer. I’m now a much more empathetic person, I know I can’t imagine what other people are going through so I try not to judge and catch myself when I do.

To everyone who knows an unpaid carer: first of all, thank you for sticking around. Please hear this- we know you mean well, but we don’t need your judgement. Please stop telling us what we *should* be doing. Instead, you can do one of two things: listen. Let us vent, cry, chat… just be there in person or on the phone. That’s enough. Or offer concrete help, offer to cook, to do laundry, to take over the caring for a bit etc. that is truly valuable.

I suppose I should be grateful to my colleague, I know she would be horrified that her comment hurt me. She also gave me something timely to write about with Valentine’s Day happening this week! I might do a bonus blog this week for the occasion as, spoiler alert, I have no hot date planned…