I’ve not had my camera on for online work calls for the whole of January. Not because I’m lazy or I haven’t brushed my hair – I rarely have time to do that anyway but that’s what pony tails are for- but because I’ve been sick. I look dreadful and I don’t want to impose my dead eyes and extreme paleness to my work colleagues. My boss is very understanding, she doesn’t mind what I look like as long as I keep doing my job which makes her the ideal boss for me.

Before you ask, no. I haven’t taken any sick leave because a) my job is ‘fast paced’ which is corporate speak for ‘complete chaos’ and b) I’m a carer and we don’t get sick days.

After weeks of not feeling well, I braved the GPs surgery and the rude-ceptionists (see what I did there?) to beg them for a 10 minute chat with an overworked doctor. They miraculously deigned to give me a phone appointment which proves how awful I must look. The doctor was concerned enough to order some tests for me which I was weirdly delighted about. I’m currently on appointment 2 out of 3 and don’t mind being poked and prodded as it is more medical attention than I have had in a decade.

The next medical battle will be getting the results and trying to speak to the doctor again for a plan of action. I hope there is actually something wrong with me. I know that’s a shocking statement but stay with me: if there is something medically wrong with me then a course of medication should be able to fix it. Easy.

My worry is that there isn’t anything physically wrong with me and it turns out I’m sick because I’m beyond burnt out and physically exhausted. There is nothing I can do about that. The doctor might try to sign me off work or tell me to ‘look after myself’ which is impossible for me. Even if I did get signed off, who is looking after the nearly 99-year-old? ME. So much for rest and looking after myself. If my body is finally manifesting my burn out, there is no Plan B. I’ll just have to carry on. I’m plan A, all the way to Z.

I’m also concerned about the slippery slope of being signed off work. Whether companies want to admit it or not, if you begin to show any perceived ‘weakness’ or inability to perform, you’re at higher risk of being sidelined and made redundant. I really don’t want to give up my career, which is the only thing that is still mine and for me. Sadly, this is what a lot of carers face. Juggling work and caring becomes too hard physically and mentally.

I have a sinking feeling that, after 4 relentless years, I’m finally physically crumbling. I mentally crumbled a long time ago and it follows that this would have an effect on my body. I hope some medical scaffolding can help me until I’m able to assess what being a carer has cost me .