I think I’d make a good detective. I think I’d be particularly good at uncovering the truth despite convincing lies, as it is part of my daily life as a carer.

I live with a world-class liar. She tells a lie at least once a day, about unimportant and provable things, such as drinking water, watching TV, or feeling ill. It doesn’t make caring for her harder as I can tell when she’s lying, but it does take longer. Time I usually don’t have. Most of my questions end with ‘Are you lying to me?‘ to which she looks indignantly at me and swears she ‘wouldn’t dream of lying!’ or: ‘ Why would I lie?’

It’s a good question, I don’t know why grandma insists on telling fibs because I always find the truth out and her lying means I don’t trust her. I think it might have something to do with her rebelling at being ‘cared for’ after being independent most of her life. Perhaps her telling me she has done this or not done that is her way of asserting herself. It is annoying, time consuming, but quite amusing as she’s convincing but not very good at hiding evidence of her lies. For all you soon-to-be-unpaid carers to your deceptive elderly relatives; here are some tips I have learned:

• Question everything. Never take their answers at face value, the more they protest, the bigger the lie.
• Be persistent. They will eventually give up if you pester them with enough questions.
• Be quiet. Grandma often eats jelly babies after lunch, despite her telling me she doesn’t if I offer to get some for her. Knowing her little routine, I go into the kitchen to wash up but wait a few seconds listening for the familiar rustling of the packet and walk into the living room catching her furiously chewing. What a silly thing to lie about.
• Search for evidence. Count their pills, look into the bin for food they claim to have eaten or incontinence pads they claim to have worn. Again, these are all futile things to lie about when I am the one who does all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry.
• Play your cards well. Always have a great bargaining chip to get to the truth. For me it is either threatening to call her son or a doctor.

You might think I am too strict or mad for caring about her inconsequential lies. Let me clarify, I don’t care about her eating jelly babies when she says she doesn’t or watching TV when she says she doesn’t (another really weird thing to lie about when I can hear it ); but I do care when her lies lead her to nearly dying of pneumonia, or nearly being scammed by a decidedly dodgy builder. to name just a few examples. That’s why I try to keep up with her fibs so I can pay attention to the important ones.

I also need to know how many jelly babies she has left so I can keep her stocked up!