‘Pff! T’exagères!’ (You’re exaggerating) said my mum down the phone one Saturday morning as we were catching up on how the week had gone. This happens a lot when you’re a carer, more or less subtly. Most people can’t or won’t believe how hard life can be for unpaid carers.They can’t believe that no help is available, the exhaustion we feel, the frequency at which medical appointments get cancelled, the cost of private care, or the extent to which we have had to sacrifice our lives.

This is one of the most infuriating things about being a carer. Because, unless you have experienced it, it is impossible to understand or relate to our reality. The biases we all have creep into the opinions we form of each other’s situations. The skepticism towards the realities of unpaid carers’ lives adds to the loneliness and alienation we feel ( I certainly do). It also means that we can rarely share how we feel with the people in our lives who aren’t carers.

I think this is a huge part of why there is so little help for us. Because nobody can believe how bad the issue is… until the unthinkable happens and the awful reality of caring for a loved one hits. If the public at large can’t relate to the issues carers face, then it doesn’t get on the political agenda and no action is taken. In short, it is not an electable issue for politicians.

What can be done?

I’m not sure, I think a documentary where celebrities (or politicians?) spend a week with unpaid carers with cameras following their every move could be an idea. Would people watch it? Probably not- it would make for too uncomfortable viewing… although I might pitch it to Carers UK – I work in communications after all, I know how to tell a compelling story! Charities and community groups do a great job at bringing carers together, providing information, and getting our stories out in the press. The We Care Campaign’s video on the lives of unpaid carers is fantastic for example (watch it here) and we have to support their efforts.

To all the non-carers reading this (thank you for getting this far); I promise you that our lives are as hard as we describe. Yes; we have done our research. Yes; we are as tired as we look. And yes; it is as shit and unfair as it sounds. I’m aware that there are plenty of situations I can’t understand or relate to, and since I’ve become a carer, I have become more empathetic of what people go through in life. Because you truly never know what it will throw at you. I certainly never thought I’d be in the situation I’m currently in.

Incidentally, writing this blog has unlocked the door to a wonderfully supportive community of unpaid carers. A lovely antidote to the loneliness I feel. Thank you for reading, and caring!