Sometimes, I can’t stand my grandmother. Yes, you read that right. Be warned, I’m about to get very honest. Read on if you dare and make your judgement of me at the end of this post.

There are days when the sound of my grandmother’s voice makes me grit my teeth and mutter a swear word. Days when everything drives me mad, where my frustration boils over. Mornings when I hate that my grandmother reminds me of things I have to do at 6am when I know full well what my list of tasks for the day are. Lunchtimes when she asks me the same question every time I cook salmon (‘Why don’t you use butter?‘), and afternoons when her TV quiz shows are too loud. Evenings when she makes the same remarks about the same old TV shows she watches. I hate that everything takes longer, that she never hears things the first time and that she refuses to try new things that I know she’ll like.

I can hear you thinking that I’m being very harsh and that she’s 98 for goodness sake! And that I’m not a very nice person.

I do feel guilty for those feelings and for the times I’ve lost my temper and snapped at her. She gives as good as she gets on that front, and I’m sure there are days when she hates me too.

Emotional exhaustion

That’s apparently what I’m suffering from, extreme frustration and zero patience are two common symptoms. I’ve learnt to recognise when I’m close to that state and try to calm myself down or go for a long walk if I can. I don’t know that it helps but the cure seems to be ‘self care’ which is pretty impossible if you’re a carer so getting out of the house before I scream, cry or both feels like a good option.

I’ve also come to realise that being a carer changes the relationship you have with the person you care for. I’m ‘more’ than my grandmother’s grandchild, I live with her, I do everything for her and in such close proximity tensions are bound to arise. My relationship with my grandmother is now very different to the one my sister has with her, they only see each other sporadically, have a nice time and then, crucially, my sister leaves. It is that distance that keeps my sister’s relationship safely in the grandmother/ grand-daughter sphere.

I’d say my relationship with her is now ‘grittier’, I’ve seen her at her worst, comforted her, saved her life, and yes – get the giggles with her, cook her favourite meals and introduced her to podcasts.

I love my grandmother but it’s a struggle sometimes, I admit I’m sometimes too harsh. But I’m also exhausted, have a stressful job, and trapped in a situation I could never have foreseen. So I don’t know about you, but I’m going to cut myself some slack….

So much for carers being ‘heroes’. We’re really all trying to survive the day and doing the best we can.