‘Oh you naughty girl! You must stop doing that!’
‘Doing what?’ I said pretending I didn’t know what was coming.
‘You’ve sent me money again for the bills! I don’t know how you’ve done it, we haven’t been to the bank!’
‘It’s magic!’ I said, smiling. 

We were going through grandma’s bank statement, she can’t see it but religiously keeps all her receipts so I go through them with her and check all her expenses. All the household bills are in her name but I transfer her the money to cover them every month, I feel it is only fair. She doesn’t agree but she can’t stop me and reminds me of my ‘naughtiness’ every time I read out the amount I have sent her.

She’d only just got used to using her debit card since I’d started living with her. She’d resisted for a while but had capitulated when one of her friends at her Wednesday luncheon club had convinced her better than I could that it was better than paying for everything in cash.

However, she still insists on going to the bank regularly to get some cash in her usually dramatic fashion.

‘Laura, we must go to the bank on Saturday morning, I have no beans!’ Said grandma throwing her hands up in the air.

‘We’ll go but I highly doubt you’ve got no beans. You’ve got entirely to much cash upstairs, and probably in some places I don’t know about too.’ 

‘I don’t! We must go!’ she said, lying through her teeth. ‘How will I pay the hairdresser on Thursday?’

‘We’ll go, don’t panic. But don’t tell me you don’t have any cash in the house. I can check if you like and uncover the truth.’

‘No need for that.’ She said quickly, not looking at me.

‘Thought so…’ I laughed ‘We’ll go to the bank to get some unnecessary beans on Saturday.’

‘Thank youuuu!’ She said dramatically.

Although she does have too much cash in the house for my liking, the situation has greatly improved since the ‘Great Cash Discovery of Christmas 2016’. My father and I were going through the valuables in Grandma’s house to renew her home insurance policy and after some good cop/ bad cop questioning, we discovered unlikely amounts of cash hidden all around the house. She’d hidden it behind the toilet, under cabinets, and in between wardrobes. In big trouble, my father banned her from keeping more than a certain amount in the house and we took the excess to the bank the next day. She mostly follows that rule, as it come from her son, who has the utmost authority over her. I know she most likely has some other cash hiding places, but I think the amount has been downgraded to the equivalent of a what a beginner drug dealer must have, if TV shows and films are to be believed. 

I’m not sure why she feels the need to have cash in the house, perhaps it gives her a sense of security or a back up when she doesn’t feel like using her card. It also comes in handy when she occasionally tries to give me a £20 note for the weekly shop saying I’m naughty for paying for everything. I take it, put it back in her wallet, lie and say I have spent it. She still has slight trepidations about using her card – a male cashier recently made a mistake while she paying with her card so now she will only go to tills run ‘properly by women’.