‘We’ll be back later this afternoon.’ Said the neighbour as I was helping grandma get in the car.

‘Great, have a nice time grandma.’ I said.

‘Yes, see you later.‘

As I walked back into the house, I smiled to myself. Grandma had been invited to a neighbour’s 80th birthday lunch at a local restaurant and I had helped get dolled up for the occasion. I’d picked out a nice dress for her, put a bit of blush on her cheeks, and applied her favourite shade of lipstick. She looked very cute and was excitedly chatting away about the lunch she was going to have as I was making a fuss of her.

‘I hope they have prawns…. I might not have a starter because I won’t be able to manage dessert and you have to have dessert on your birthday. It is the done thing, after all…’

I was smiling and nodding along as I got her ready, I was as excited as she was. Her birthday lunch date meant that I would have a free Sunday afternoon for the first time in…well I can’t remember, dear reader. I was happily mentally planning all the relaxing I was going to do and was almost giddy with excitement as the time came for grandma to leave. 

Right… What shall I do? I have about 3 hours before they’re back. I thought as I walked back into the house.

I felt weirdly calm, almost uncomfortably so, I realised I was standing in the hallway and that my fists were clenched. I looked down, unclenched my fist, and walked into the kitchen. I sat down at the table, still feeling oddly calm. I looked around, noticing how quiet the house was. I didn’t know what to do with myself. 

Should I have a nap? Or maybe I’ll watch that show on Netflix everyone has been talking about? I haven’t eaten yet, maybe I’m hungry? Quick, figure out what you want to do Laura, you’re wasting time!

I got up, opened the fridge and looked at what was on the shelves, not taking anything in. I started feeling some pressure in my chest, I took a deep breath as I felt it, taking me out of thoughts. I closed the fridge door and sat back down, confused as to what I was feeling; and without any warning, I started crying. Hot, heavy tears were streaming down my face, I was gasping for air powerless to resist. I sobbed and sobbed for about 30 mins, rocking from side to side on the kitchen chair. 

As the tears subsided and I wiped them away, I got up to splash some water on my face and checked the time.

I still had about 2 and half hours. A bit shocked at my momentary meltdown, I went upstairs and decided to calm myself down by watching a Netflix documentary I had been intrigued by. I was too deep in thought to pay attention to what I was watching as I was trying to figure out what had just happened. 

I concluded that the tears were evacuating the stress of the week but I was still unsure as to why I felt I couldn’t relax when I had been so looking forward to it. I eventually fell asleep and woke up just as the neighbour’s car was pulling up in the drive. I quickly got up to go and greet grandma.

Over the next few days, I thought about my reaction to my (failed) planned aggressive relaxation and came to the conclusion that I had put too much pressure on myself. Free time is so rare for unpaid carers that it takes longer for us to be able to get to a point where we can relax and get out of the mental loop of always worrying about the people we care for. My mere 3 hours of downtime were nowhere near enough to do any sort of relaxing or rest from the near-constant work, worry, and care. I think carers need more time than the average person to unwind because we’re used to being constantly on call.  

I often get told by well-meaning family and friends that I need to make time for myself or to try to do relaxing things. Apart from the logistics of being able to do that (a challenge in itself) I don’t think I’d be able to even enjoy what I’d be doing, I’d still be too exhausted, worrying about grandma, and dreading going back.

I know we all say we could do with a holiday but for carers it feels different, it is almost like we need to address it in a Maslowian hierarchy of needs way: first, time to address the base needs of actually resting properly, and then think about relaxing and enjoying ourselves. This would mean carers having several days (weeks?) off which is of course not possible.

In conclusion, on behalf of all carers who get told to relax and look after themselves: ‘WE KNOOOOOOOW!‘ but for reasons listed above, it is harder for us than most.

Also, *please* stop saying that.